Navigating the Tides of Friendship: Common Issues and Solutions

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships lately — the trials and tribulations, as well as the fun, and support they can bring.  

As you know, friendships can be one of life’s greatest joys.  They can bring laughter, support, and a sense of belonging.  But let’s be honest — friendships can also be complicated. 

Life changes, and so do people.  For example, people can move, change, or get married, and start having children.  Sometimes friendships drift apart, face challenges, or require healthy boundaries.  And yes, that’s completely normal — however, it also means that there can be navigational challenges that you may not have been expecting.  

Sometimes those changes come with challenges – a new way of interacting, where you have to explore the changes, until everyone has determined their new place.  And it is not always easy!  There can be so many obstacles, and while both parties might be willing to navigate the new waters, they may have different ideas and/or expectations on the way forward.   

This blog addresses some of the challenges that friendships can face.  Obviously, there are an unlimited number of things that can cause a hiccup in a relationship, however, we will address some of the ups and downs of friendships which can hopefully be approached with kindness, clarity, and grace.  (After all, it never hurts to have a few ideas on how to go forward, does it?  It is often worth trying new ideas and options to keep a good friendship going, even if it’s not exactly the way you would wish it to be.) 

1. Moving and Long-Distance Friendships

Life takes us to new places, whether it’s a new city, a new country, or just a different part of town. I’ve moved a number of times – sometimes across the country, but other times overseas.  It can difficult to keep the communication going well, especially when different time-zones are involved.  Some of my friends are overseas as well.  This can put additional strain on relationships, as you can’t ‘catch up’ for a face-to-face coffee or a hike; and sometimes the phone calls are in the middle of the night, or very early morning etc, when you’re not at your best.  

Moving can put a strain on friendships, but it doesn’t have to mean the end.  (I’ve managed to maintain some of my relationships with people living overseas, although unfortunately not all of them.) 

• Stay connected. Schedule regular catch-ups through calls, video chats, or even voice notes. A quick text to check in can go a long way.  And emails can be good too, as the time-zone doesn’t have as much of an impact.
• Make an effort. Plan visits when possible, and be intentional about keeping in touch.  Sometimes it could be feasible to meet up on occasion, either in one friend’s country, or perhaps a neutral country in the middle.
• Accept change. Some friendships will naturally fade with distance, and that’s okay. Let them evolve without pressure. 

2. Balancing Friendships with Family Life

As life changes — marriage, kids, or caring for loved ones — friendships often shift.  Family responsibilities can take up a lot of time, making it harder to meet up or chat as often.  Over the years, many people get married, have children, and take on responsibility for caring for others.  In addition to time, this frequently means that there are additional emotional ties and/or pressures that can impact the time available for friendships.  Caring for someone, whether short-term or long-term, can take a lot of out someone — sometimes to the extent that they have very little left for other people. 

• Be understanding.  If a friend cancels plans because of family commitments, don’t take it personally.  They might even need someone to talk it out with, even if they can’t meet up.  Is there a way you can be there for them, even if it’s not to catch up as often as you used to?
• Find new ways to connect.  Quick coffee dates, playdates with kids, or even sending a funny meme can keep the bond alive.  Adaptability is important in maintaining friendships.  And if you can keep the communication open, it can allow for a reconnection later on, when circumstances allow for more time.
• Respect different life stages.  Even if you’re in different places, your friendship can still be strong with mutual understanding and effort.  It’s up to you to decide if the friendship is worth keeping the communication open, even if the catch-up times have dwindled.

3. Different Values and Beliefs

Friends don’t have to agree on everything!  In fact, different perspectives can make friendships more interesting.  If you keep an open and curious mind, you can allow yourself to learn something new, and broaden your scope.  However, sometimes, differing values can create tension.  It’s helpful to be aware of what your values are, and to have a calm, open, and respectful discussion about why you think the way you do — listening to both sides of the story, and keeping an open mind.  Once you have brought the differences into the open, you may decide that they’re not worth breaking a friendship over, and if so, the following tips can help. 

• Focus on what unites you.  Instead of arguing over differences, celebrate the things you have in common.
• Respect each other’s views.  It’s okay to disagree.  The key is to listen without judgment, and avoid trying to change each other.  If you are aware you differ on particular topics, you can just not discuss them going forward, and continue the friendship.
• Know when to walk away.  If a friend’s values no longer align with your core beliefs, and it causes stress, it’s okay to step back from the friendship.  Sometimes the personal value divide is too great — and if that’s the case, it’s ok not to meet up as often, and to let the friendship fade away.

(If you would like to look into personal values a bit more, exploring your own as well as understanding more about them, our free course The Values Code: Unlocking Your Best Self, can help.)

4. Changing Goals and Interests

People grow and change.  One year, you’re both obsessed with the same hobby, and the next, you have completely different priorities.  What one person considers a lifeline passion, could be something that was tried but didn’t really resonate, with another.  Or perhaps it was a passion for a while, however, other priorities have taken precedence.  This happens.  And it can raise the question — do you still have enough in common, or like each other enough, to continue the friendship?  Are you willing to put the work in to find a new way of relating? 

• Support each other’s growth.  It’s great to encourage your friend’s new goals, even if they’re different from yours.
• Try new things together.  Maybe your friend’s new passion could be something you enjoy too!
• Accept natural changes.  Some friendships are for a season, and that’s okay. Appreciate the time you had and allow room for new connections. 

5. Different Ages and Life Stages 

Friendships don’t have to be based on age, but sometimes age gaps can create challenges. 

I’ve always had friends that are decades older or younger, so it’s normal for me.  It’s a matter of determining whether you have enough in common to meet in the middle.  Some young people are quite mature, while some older people are not!!  😉 

• Learn from each other.  Friends of different ages bring different perspectives and wisdom.
• Find common ground.  Focus on shared interests rather than age differences.
• Respect boundaries.  Different life stages come with different priorities.  Be patient and understanding. 

6. Setting Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are essential for healthy friendships.  They protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being.  As everybody is different, it is a matter of finding a balance that works for each of you. 

(As a lot of people have difficulties setting boundaries, I’ve written a blog post on this to help.  How to Set Boundaries with Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere: A Kind and Gentle Approach.)

• Know your limits.  If a friend drains your energy, or makes you uncomfortable, it’s okay to step back.
• Communicate clearly.  If something bothers you, address it kindly but firmly.
• Choose mutual respect.  A true friend will respect your boundaries just as you respect theirs.  Remember you have to actually them your boundaries, or they won’t know they are there.  Everybody is different, so you need to be clear.

Final Thoughts

Friendships, like all relationships, go through ups and downs.  The key is to embrace the changes with an open heart.  Some friendships will last a lifetime, while others will naturally fade.  Both are okay.  It’s good to enjoy the friends you have, regardless of how long the friendship lasts. 

The most important thing is to surround yourself with people who uplift, respect, and bring joy to your life.

If you’re wanting to make new friends, renew old friendships, or deepen your current friendships, our Friendship Renewal Journal can help!  By reflecting on the 50 thought-provoking guided prompts, you can use what you learned to help strengthen, celebrate, and reconnect your friendships.

FAQ - Navigating Friendships 

1. How do I know if a friendship is worth saving?
   If the friendship brings you joy, support, and understanding, it’s worth making the effort. However, if it constantly drains you, makes you feel bad about yourself, or causes more stress than happiness, it may be time to re-evaluate. 

2. What should I do if my friend and I have grown apart?
   Growth is natural. If your friendship feels different, try reconnecting by reminiscing about good times, or finding new common interests. If it still doesn’t feel right, it’s okay to let it go, with gratitude for the memories. 

3. How can I handle disagreements with a friend?
   Approach the conversation with kindness and honesty. Listen to their perspective, express your feelings calmly, and find common ground. If the disagreement is serious, it’s okay to take space, and reflect on whether the friendship still serves you both. 

4. What if my friend keeps crossing my boundaries?
   Communicate your boundaries clearly and firmly. You may need to do this more than once. If they continue to disrespect them, consider whether this friendship is truly supportive of your well-being.

(The blog How to Set Boundaries with Anyone Anywhere: A Kind and Gentle Approach can help you here.)

5. Is it normal to feel sad when a friendship changes?
   Absolutely. Change — even positive change — can bring up emotions. Allow yourself to feel sad, and for the emotion to flow through your body, but also embrace the opportunity to form new connections, and grow.
6. How do I make new friends if old friendships fade?
   Be open to meeting new people through hobbies, events, or online communities. Friendships take time to build, so be patient, and stay open-hearted.
7. Can friends with different values still have a strong friendship?
   Yes! As long as there’s mutual respect and understanding, differences can add depth to a friendship. The key is to focus on shared interests, and not try to change each other.

References/Further Reading

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-are-the-health-benefits-of-friendship

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/friendships/art-20044860

https://www.missionhealth.org/healthy-living/blog/why-is-friendship-important-surprising-health-benefits-of-having-friends 

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/06/cover-story-science-friendship