How to Set Boundaries with Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere: A Kind and Gentle Approach

Over the past few months I have been helping a relative navigate some medical issues.  While this has been rewarding (especially as so many people have rallied together to help), it has also been challenging.  At one point some great friends and family members challenged me on some beliefs and assumptions that I had defaulted to.  (Thank you wonderful people!!  😏🥰😘)  So, as I want to live my Best Life, I duly considered all angles, and looked at my boundaries.  🙄😇

I figured now would be a great time to write a blog post on how to set boundaries!  😆 Now, I know there are lots of articles out there on how to set boundaries, however I tend to find some of them a bit ‘hard-core’ for me - which often means that I don’t necessarily set the boundaries that I would like to.  So I thought I would explore this topic further, and do a blog post on how to set boundaries in a kind and gentle way, so we don’t need to feed guilty or mean afterwards.  I hope you find this helpful!

Boundaries are essential for our well-being and our relationships, but as mentioned earlier, they can be challenging to communicate and enforce.  That’s why I decided to write a blog post on setting boundaries in a kind and gentle way, for the more sensitive souls amongst us. 

We will cover the following aspects of boundaries: 

• What are boundaries, and why do you need them?
• How to set boundaries with kindness and clarity
• How to deal with resistance and backlash (it can happen sometimes, unfortunately)
• How to maintain your boundaries, and respect others’
• Some examples of setting boundaries in different situations

What are boundaries and why do we need them

Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves and others regarding our time, energy, space, emotions, values, and needs.  They show people how we want to be treated, what’s okay with us, and what’s not. Boundaries are essential for our well-being because they protect us from being overwhelmed, drained, or taken advantage of by others.  They also help us to respect ourselves, and our choices, and be and live true to our own authentic self (our values and beliefs).

Boundaries are also good for our relationships because they create clarity, trust, and respect. When we set boundaries, we communicate our expectations and preferences to others, and we also respect their boundaries in return.  This way, we help avoid misunderstandings, conflicts, and resentment, and we encourage healthy and harmonious interactions.

How to set boundaries with kindness and clarity

Setting boundaries can be hard and uncomfortable, especially if we’re used to pleasing others, and/or avoiding confrontation.  We can fear that setting boundaries will make us seem selfish, rude, or mean, or that it will hurt or anger others.  ✋  But setting boundaries is not wrong or mean. It’s actually a sign of self-care and self-respect, and it’s also a way of showing compassion and care for others, as they know what you like and don't like, and can act accordingly.

Here are some steps to help us set boundaries with kindness and clarity:

• Start small - Setting boundaries can be overwhelming if we try to do it all at once.  The key is to start small, and focus on one boundary at a time.  Choose a boundary that is important to you, and that you feel confident about.  For example, you may want to set a boundary about your bedtime, your phone usage, or your personal space.
• Be clear - Focus on what you want as clearly as possible.  Use simple and direct language, and avoid vague or passive words.  For example, instead of saying “I’m sorry, I can’t help you right now, maybe later”, you could say “I’m busy right now, but I’ll get back to you tomorrow”.  Or instead of saying “I don’t like it when you touch my things without asking”, say “Please ask me before you use my things”.  (If you feel that the recommended suggestions are too hard right now, and you struggle with saying anything at all, start with the first suggestions, and work your way up - soft boundaries, where you are standing up for yourself, are better than none at all.  Or adjust them a little to suit your own personality and circumstances.)
• Be assertive - Assertiveness is the ability to express our thoughts, feelings, and needs in a respectful and confident way, without being aggressive or passive.  Assertiveness is important for setting boundaries, because it shows that we value ourselves, and our boundaries, and that we expect others to do the same.  To be assertive, use “I” statements, such as “I need”, “I want”, “I feel”, or “I prefer”.  For example, instead of saying “You’re always late, you don’t care about me”, say “I feel frustrated when you’re late, I need you to be on time”.  Or instead of saying “You have to do this for me”, say “I would appreciate it if you could do this for me”.
• Be respectful - Setting boundaries doesn’t mean being rude or harsh.  You can set boundaries with kindness and respect, without compromising your needs or values. Respect means acknowledging and honoring the other person’s feelings, opinions, and boundaries, even if they are different from yours.  To be respectful, use polite and courteous words, such as “please”, “thank you”, “I appreciate”, or “I understand”.  For example, instead of saying “Don’t bother me, I’m busy”, say “Please give me some space, I’m working on something important”.  Or instead of saying “That’s a stupid idea”, say “I respect your opinion, but I disagree”.
• Be consistent - Setting boundaries is not a one-time thing.  It’s an ongoing process that requires repetition, and reinforcement.  We need to be consistent in communicating and enforcing our boundaries, otherwise people may not take them seriously, or may forget them.  To be consistent, remind yourself and others of your boundaries when necessary, and follow through with your words and actions.  For example, if you set a boundary about your work hours, stick to it, and don’t answer calls or emails after hours.  Or if you set a boundary about your personal space, don’t let others invade it ,or make excuses for them.

How to deal with resistance and backlash

Sometimes, setting boundaries may be met with resistance or backlash from others.  This may happen because they are used to the old way of interacting with us, or because they have different expectations or needs than us.  They may react with anger, guilt, criticism, or manipulation, and try to make us feel bad, or change our mind.  This can be challenging and stressful, but it doesn’t mean that we should give up on our boundaries, or ourselves.

Here are some ways to deal with resistance and backlash.

• Stay calm - When someone reacts negatively to our boundaries, it’s normal to feel upset, hurt, or defensive.  But try not to let your emotions get the best of you.  Stay calm and composed, and don’t engage in arguments or attacks. Breathe deeply, count to ten, or take a break if you need to. Remember that their reaction is not about you - it's about them, and their own beliefs (or issues).
• Be firm - When someone challenges or violates your boundaries, don’t back down, or give in.  Be firm and assertive, and re-state your boundary clearly, and respectfully.  Don’t apologize or justify your boundary (if you can - I know this can be difficult), or let them make you feel guilty or selfish (which could be a form of manipulation).  Remember that you have the right to set boundaries, and to have them respected.  For example, if someone says “You’re so selfish, you don’t care about me”, say “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m not selfish.  I care about you, but I also care about myself.  This is my boundary, and I need you to respect it.”
• Be compassionate - When someone struggles or suffers because of your boundaries, don’t be cold or indifferent.  Be compassionate and empathetic, and acknowledge their feelings and needs.  But don’t let them make you responsible for their happiness or well-being.  You can offer your support and help, but don’t sacrifice your own needs or values.  (This is where I had a hiccup recently.  😏)   For example, if someone says “I’m so lonely, I need you to be with me all the time”, say “I understand that you’re lonely, and I’m here for you.  But I can’t be with you all the time, I need some time for myself.  Maybe you can find some other ways to cope with your loneliness, like joining a club, or finding a hobby.”
• Be flexible - Setting boundaries doesn’t mean being rigid, or inflexible.  Sometimes, you may need to adjust or compromise your boundaries, depending on the situation or the person.  You may need to be more lenient or more strict, or to negotiate, or collaborate with others.  But don’t compromise your boundaries to the point where you feel uncomfortable, or resentful.  Find a balance that works for you, and the other person, and that respects both of your needs and values.  For example, if someone says “I know you don’t like hugs, but can I hug you just this once?”, say “I appreciate that you respect my boundary, and I’m willing to make an exception for you.  But please don’t hug me too often or too long, it makes me uncomfortable.”

How to maintain your boundaries and respect others'

Setting boundaries is not a one-time event, but a lifelong practice.  We need to maintain our boundaries and respect others’ boundaries, in order to keep our well-being, and our relationships, healthy and happy.  Below are some tips to help us with that.

• Review your boundaries - Your boundaries may change over time, as you grow, and evolve as a person.  You may need to set new boundaries, or modify, or remove old ones. You may also need to set different boundaries with different people, depending on the type of relationship.  Review your boundaries regularly, and ask yourself if they still serve you, and your goals.  If not, make the necessary changes, and communicate them to others.  (After all, people need to be aware of them in order to respect them!)
• Respect your boundaries - Your boundaries are only as good as you make them.  If you don’t respect your own boundaries, you can’t expect others to respect them either. Respect your boundaries by honoring your needs and values, and by following through with your words and actions.  Don’t let others cross your boundaries, or cross them yourself.  Don’t let others pressure or influence you to change your boundaries, or change them yourself to please others.  Be true to yourself, and your boundaries, and you’ll feel more confident and empowered.
• Respect others’ boundaries - Just as you want others to respect your boundaries, you need to respect theirs as well.  Respect the boundaries of others by listening to, and understanding, their needs and values, and by honoring their choices and preferences. Don’t cross their boundaries, or try to change them.  Don’t judge or criticize their boundaries, or take them personally.  Be supportive and accepting of their boundaries, and you’ll build more trust and respect.

Some examples of setting boundaries in different situations

To give us a better idea of how to set boundaries in a kind and gentle way, we've provided some examples of setting boundaries in different situations.

• Setting boundaries with family - Family can be a source of love and support, but also of stress and pressure.  Sometimes, family members may have unrealistic, or unreasonable, expectations of us, or may interfere with our choices, or privacy.  To set boundaries with family, you need to be clear about your needs and values, and to respect theirs as well. For example, if your parents want you to follow a certain career path, but you have different aspirations, you can say “I appreciate your concern and advice, but this is my decision.  I need you to respect my choice and support me.”  Or if your sibling always borrows your clothes without asking, you can say “Please ask me before you take my clothes.  I don’t mind sharing, but I need you to respect my belongings.”
• Setting boundaries with friends - Friends are important for our social and emotional well-being, but they can also be demanding, or draining.  Sometimes, friends may ask too much of us, or may cross our personal or professional boundaries.  To set boundaries with friends, you need to be honest and assertive, and to value your friendship.  For example, if your friend always calls you at odd hours, or expects you to drop everything for them, you can say “I love you and I’m here for you, but I need you to respect my time and schedule. Please call me during reasonable hours, and don’t expect me to cancel my plans for you.” Or if your friend asks you to do their work for them, or to share confidential information, you can say “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.  It’s against my ethics and my policy.  I hope you understand, and respect my boundaries.”
• Setting boundaries with coworkers - Coworkers are essential for our professional success and satisfaction, but they can also be challenging, or annoying.  Sometimes, coworkers may take advantage of us, or may invade our space or privacy.  To set boundaries with coworkers, you need to be respectful and firm, and to maintain your professionalism.  For example, if your coworker always dumps their work on you, or asks you to cover for them, you can say “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you with that.  I have my own work to do, and I need to prioritize it.  Please don’t put me in a difficult position.”  Or if your coworker always interrupts you, or makes personal comments, you can say “Please don’t interrupt me when I’m working, or when I’m talking to someone else.  It’s rude (or not polite, if that's too confronting), and it's distracting.  And please don’t make personal remarks about me, or anyone else.  It’s inappropriate and uncomfortable.”

These are just some examples of setting boundaries in different situations.  They can used as a guide, or adapted to suit your own circumstances and personality.  As mentioned, start small, and work your way up.  The key is to be kind and gentle, but also clear and assertive, and to stick to your boundaries.  It can take practice, but that's ok.  The more we practice, the more comfortable we become with this process, and the clearer our boundaries are to us, and to others. 

Conclusion

Setting boundaries is not easy, but it’s worth it.  Boundaries are the key to our well-being, and our relationships, and they can help us live our Best Lives.  By setting boundaries, we show ourselves and others that we value and respect ourselves, and that we expect the same from them.  We also create more harmony and happiness in our interactions, and avoid unnecessary stress and conflict.

I hope this blog post has helped you in your understanding of boundaries, including why you need them, and how to set them in a kind and gentle way.

For more hints and tips to help you live your Best Life, please join my newsletter and get access to exclusive content and offers.  I've included some links for further reading, if you would like to explore this topic further.

Thank you for reading, and remember - you deserve to set boundaries, and you can do it in a kind and gentle manner!  😊

Struggling to stay authentic to yourself & set boundaries?

Setting boundaries is a beautiful way to honor your values, and live authentically.  If you're ready to dig deeper into what truly matters to you, check out our free course, The Values Code: Unlocking Your Best Self.  This course will help you uncover your core values, and show you how to use them as a compass for setting healthy boundaries that align with the life you want to create.  Click here to start for free!

Struggling with setting boundaries?
Struggling with self-doubt, fear of judgment, or failing to keep your word, when setting boundaries?  You're not alone! The Positive Mindset Mastery to Live Your Best Life bundle is here to help you overcome these blocks, and build the confidence to stand firm in a kind, loving way. For just $22, you'll get ebooks to give you the information you need, as well as tools like a 28-page journal, a workbook, a meditation, and affirmations (and more) to support you in living your Best Life.  To find out your main mindset block (our of four different common blocks), you can do our free Quiz - What's Your Main Mindset Block Quiz?

Other Blogs You Might Like

You might also like some of our other blogs, for some additional tips and information to assist us on our journey to living our Best Life.

- How Integrity Can Make You Happier, Healthier, and More Successful

- How Helping Others Can Transform Your Life and Relationships

- How to Boost Your Well-Being, Happiness, and Peace with Wind Chimes

Additional resources

If you'd like to explore setting boundaries further, some additional resources are noted below.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2019/01/how-to-set-boundaries-with-kindness

https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-set-boundaries/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201903/everybody-needs-boundaries-6-ways-make-them-work-you

https://seekingintegrity.com/blog/misconceptions-and-facts-about-healthy-boundaries/